| i forgot i haven't written about this in a while |
[02 Jun 2009|08:57pm] |
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what i wrote between the lines of the "girls will be boys will be girls will be..." repetition coloring book cover today:
i forget that i'm supposed to be a boy and i forget that i'm supposed to be a girl andi forget that all of the time i've spent forgetting has been filled/spilling/overflowing by others' remembering, placing their words upon my body/clothes/skin/hair/nails/eyelids/name/shoes/tattoos/down to the drugs i use as if i am a specimen inside a jar on a conveyor belt; one more mass production line; a factory of farce and foolery. they put everything from "tomboy" to "faggot" on the labels they paste onto my existence, but meanwhile the machine hasn't paused to understand how many times i've forgotten. and no, no, i don't forget the violence. i don't forget the force-fed invisibility cloak that trumps every form of drag. i don't forget the pain that cuts through menstrual cramps and the back aches of binding; the pain of brain cells connected to entire organs which feel no connection but their wrongness for each other. i don't forget about my body - i forget that it's supposed to mean something. i forget what it is that it supposedly means. i forget that when i look in the mirror i have myself staring back at me and when they look at me all they see is their socialization staring back at them. i forget that they still remember. i forget that they've probably never forgotten.
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| list of lists |
[30 May 2009|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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music |
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cloud cult |
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okay, i know my journal (the book one) has disintegrated into lists lately, but seriously. as i'm a page from the end of this one, i wrote them all out, and counted. not counting the daily symptom checks i was doing after day treatment, the grand total:
104 lists.
the list of lists (best of), in chronological order:
intentions
accomplishments of late
names i'd like to give myself
a list (past tense)
a list (future tense)
things i'm afraid i'll hear
possible action items i need help prioritizing
thoughts that have occured to me tonight (but that i haven't yet done)
if i looked like i felt
things i would be trying to communicate
whenever
asap
things i have learned about and enjoyed
self-determination brainstorm
top 20 colleges for lgbt students
top issues for therapy
time-sensitive ideas
for drs: +s and -s
reasons i write
assorted thoughts
dinosaur tally
six-word memoirs (mine)
possible words to use
ideas running around my brain
ways i can be heard, metaphorical or not
infj careers
infp careers
sylvia plath quotes
to do by end of fri
possible causes of sensory processing disorder
gay phrases in french
names
may 16th birthdays
properties of fire
warning labels
pronouns i might be okay with if i go by endever
helpful ideas for well-being
to do for life success
text messages
notes on celiac
secondary signs of dyspraxia
labs
to pack
six-word memories (other people's)
directions for use
diagnoses by memory
(...the main pattern is that as time goes on, i'm less and less likely to give them titles, and more likely to force my future self to figure out the subject independently.)
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| 1957 |
[12 Apr 2009|12:25pm] |
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music |
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adrienne's accordian |
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"Hardcastle Crags" by Sylvia Plath
Flintlike, her feet struck
Such a racket of echoes from the steely street,
Tacking in moon-blued crooks from the black
Stone-built town, that she heard the quick air ignite
Its tinder and shake
A firework of echoes from wall
To wall of the dark, dwarfed cottages.
But the echoes died at her back as the walls
Gave way to fields and the incessant seethe of grasses
Riding in the full
Of the moon, manes to the wind,
Tireless, tied, as a moon-bound sea
Moves on its root. Though a mist-wraith wound
Up from the fissured valley and hung shoulder-high
Ahead, it fattened
To no family-featured ghost,
Nor did any word body with a name
The blank mood she walked in. Once past
The dream-peopled village, her eyes entertained no dream,
And the sandman's dust
Lost luster under her footsoles.
The long wind, paring her person down
To a pinch of flame, blew its burdened whistle
In the whorl of her ear, and like a scooped-out pumpkin crown
Her head cupped the babel.
All night gave her, in return
For the paltry gift of her bulk and the beat
Of her heart, was the humped indifferent iron
Of its hills, and its pastures bordered by black stone set
On black stone. Barns
Guarded broods and litters
Behind shut doors; the dairy herds
Knelt in the meadow mute as boulders;
Sheep drowsed stoneward in their tussocks of wool, and birds,
Twig-sleeping, wore
Granite ruffs, their shadows
The guise of leaves. The whole landscape
Loomed absolute as the antique world was
Once, in its earliest sway of lymph and sap,
Unaltered by eyes,
Enough to snuff the quick
Of her small heat out, but before the weight
Of stones and hills of stones could break
Her down to mere quartz grit in that stony light
She turned back.
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| scrap scores |
[29 Mar 2009|05:34pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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duplex |
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+ scrabble board, old style: the 3rd one i found in the space of 1 week
+ cool envelopes: 1 black sparkly, 4 vellum, 1 sepia-toned with old timepieces and calligraphy-style pens as decoration, and 4 or 5 deep copper/gold color, also very sparkly
+ small brown/purply star bead
+ 2 uniball blue pens
+ 4 uniball black pens
+ 2 artist quality blue markers
+ half-used small bristol pad
+ 2 blank "day planners" seemingly intended for diabetics: each day has room to fill in time and description of breakfast, lunch dinner, and 3 snacks, hours of sleep, servings of water, fruit, and veggies, stress level low/med/high, time and description of exercise/appts/meds, and blood sugar and insulin, with a few more details if you want to get really into it. picked up with a friend in mind who i've been talking with about self-care recently.
+ red tape for the old-style label-maker i got a while back
+ fun paper with a border of all different kinds of people around it
+ two small blank canvasses (sp?)
+ still-in-package fairy patch/applique
total = $2.85 USD w/ membership discount = *smiles*
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| last one, i swear to god |
[23 Nov 2008|03:50am] |
*laughs and laughs* according to the oh-so-scientific quiz known as "how will you die?", there is a 0% chance that i will die from a burn. i'm so glad my phobia is going to pay off in the end.
and now:
You are the Crow. You are able to discover your own character and help others find themselves as well. You are very creative in the field you are in and tend to be the intelligent one of the bunch.
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| did i mention i should be sleeping? or at least working? |
[23 Nov 2008|03:31am] |
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You Scored as Cultural Creative
Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.
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| more |
[23 Nov 2008|03:17am] |
from another meme, "your harry potter alter ego", i score:
55%: ginny weasley
50%: harry potter, sirius black, remus lupin
45%: albus dumbledore, ron weasley, draco malfoy, lord voldemort
35%: hermione granger, severus snape
i won't argue, i suppose.
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| ehh can't sleep |
[23 Nov 2008|02:51am] |
Hello
My name is
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eli*
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My identity is
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agender, ally, ambiguous, amoeba, androgyne, androgynous, asexual, boy in a skirt, complex, different, differently-gendered, gender atypical, gender dysphoric, gender neutral, gender variant, genderfuck, genderqueer, misrepresented, misunderstood, NO!, neither, no-ho, nongender, other, other-gendered, out, peopleemotional, peopleplatonic, pomo, queer, questioning, self-defined, shapeshifter, trans, transkid
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What's yours?
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| meme |
[10 Nov 2008|09:49pm] |
* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
* Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.
..."Some of my students have been wounded as children."
--thich nhat hanh
actually, much better than the quote was discovering two soulcollage cards between the pages of the book. win!
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| in solitary celebration of ostara |
[20 Mar 2008|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 pleased |
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music |
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a train in the distance |
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tonight i ate:
-sliced mango
-fresh rhubarb with sugared grapefruit-lychee yogurt
-spring salad with violets, dried currants, roasted sunflower seeds, and lemon-garlic vinegarette
-quorn brand "chicken" and dandelion greens sauteed in elderberry wine
-orange-cinnamon honey cakes
-water and orange juice
this was a brilliant endeavor. of course, it involved too much money and too many dishes to be regularly feasible. however, for tonight, i am proud of myself for feeding my body with intention and care.
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| "This is How We are Called" |
[05 Mar 2008|06:35pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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airplane noise |
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In the hours before the birds
stream airborne
with chiming voice,
a silent breath rests in the pines,
and upholds the surface of the lake
as if it were a fragile bubble
in the very hand of God.
And I think,
this is how we are called.
To cup our hands and hold
this peace,
even when the sirens begin
even when sorrow cries old and gnarled
even when words grow fangs and rend.
Cupped hands,
gently open,
supporting peace
like the golden hollow of a singing bowl,
like the towering rim of mountains
cradling
this slumbering and mist-draped valley.
--Kim Sahana Beyer-Nelson
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| today |
[22 Feb 2008|02:18pm] |
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is amy's birthday! happy birthday amy!
:)
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| jobness |
[15 Feb 2008|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 enthralled |
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music |
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charlie laughing int he next room over |
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for those of you that don't know already, i'm now working at a nonprofit cafe [www.sistersoftheroad.org] downtown which serves mostly homeless and low-income people... which marks my first official REAL job! that is, i'm finally making more than $10/hr, health insurance starts march 1st, paid breaks and holidays... that's not really the best part, though. the best part is how cool the organization is. it started in 1979, based on interviews w/ over 200 homeless folks, as a way to address the dehumanizing charity/social services system, to create authentic relationships in order to build community, and to act out nonviolence and love through the simple interactions which take place in a restaurant.
the idea: anyone can come in the door, and their first time there the meal's free. after that you can pay $1.50 cash or food stamps, or work a 15-minute barter shift in exchange for your food. meals are hot and pretty healthy, always a vegetarian option. longer barter shifts are available for folks who want to store up credit under their name. also the public can purchase meal coupons to give out to folks as a response to "spare any change?", so customers come in with those all the time. in the personalist center, customers can pick up their mail, chat, and purchase hygiene items/socks/hats ranging from 25 cents to $1.50. diapers, depends, menstrual supplies, and condoms are given out for free as available. folks who bring in proof that a disabilty prevents them from bartering in the cafe can get one meal free each day (and actually get one free each day for 2 weeks while they're busy getting proof of disability), single parents who come in w/ children eat for free if they have no ability to pay. in addition to staff's own meals on break, each of us may give away one meal per day in whatever situation we feel warrants it.
all that rambling = THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. they try really hard to listen to what customers need and provide it in a sustainable fasion.
kudos to dawn for giving a telephone reference and kudos to the universe for opening up the right doors at the right time...
*runs off grinning*
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| ezza darling |
[23 Nov 2007|06:47pm] |
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music |
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snippets of conversation |
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i'm thinking of you today. :) *hugs*
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[23 Oct 2007|10:10pm] |
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just in case anyone is actually slower than me at catching up with recent news headlines:
dumbledore's gay.
(search google)
...*shivels up from laughter*
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| meme |
[16 Sep 2007|06:57pm] |
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music |
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dashboard confessional - who else? it's fall. |
] |
1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top fifteen results.
...i'm actually just posting highlights:
1. psychologist
3. recreation therapist
4. writer
5. elementary school teacher
9. art/music therapist
10. special education teacher
11. religious worker
12. early childhood educator
13. teacher assistant
24. school counselor
27. adoption counselor
33. conservation officer
35. nanny
38. rehabilitation counselor
40. social worker
(edited 19:14)
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